FAQ
Do you really love Tonya Harding? You’re just being ironic about that, right?
I am probably incapable of irony, and yes, I really do love Tonya Harding. I grew up in Oregon, and as an Oregonian I feel it’s my duty to defend her against all her critics (I’m not alone in this). However, it does go deeper than that. I love Tonya for two reasons: (1.) Because she’s actually an amazing skater, something everyone has managed to forget—to wit, she was the first American woman (and the second woman ever) to land a triple axel in competition, and (2.) Because she is and always has been her unvarnished self, something few people are in this world. In a sport where balletic grace and traditional femininity were and are considered necessary, she was a tireless dynamo who succeeded because of physical power and stamina rather than a dancer’s sensibility, something few other skaters ever had the bravery—or the strength—to do.
Last February, Tonya gave birth to her first child, and I tried to contact her agent in order to secure an interview (I emailed her, since the phone number on her website connected to a Motel 6 in Kelso, Washinton, and I still don’t know whether that was a misprint or Tonya’s agent actually works there). Her agent got back to me and told me Tonya doesn’t do interviews anymore, which let’s be honest, is probably for the best. So to Tonya I say: you are a national treasure, and Godspeed. It is impossible to appreciate you ironically. You are the patron saint of Oregon.
Will all of the questions here be so exhaustingly pointless?
Yes.
Who is the greatest actress in the world?
How many times have you seen Showgirls?
Between 25 and 30.
Doesn’t that cause brain damage?
Actually, I think that pizza water;;;;.
Who’s Biff?
Biff is the guy whose job it is to argue with me about many of my strongly-held beliefs, such as “Total Recall should not be remade as it cannot be improved upon” and “Kansas was a pretty good band.” It is important that someone fulfill this role in my life, because I’m pretty much incapable of coherent thought once I get unnecessarily excited about something, which happens at least seven times per day. You can find out more about him by visiting:
http://www.angelfire.com/sarahmarshallsnewsiesfansite/~imaginaryboyfriend/proof
Do you have a real blog, with words instead of pictures?
Indubitably.
Why would I want to read your blog?
If you were interested in incredibly long entries about the vaginal leitmotif in Black Swan, or want to hear me complain at great length about grad school.
That sounds incredibly boring.
It pretty much is.
Have you ever been to Casa Bonita?
Yes! Here’s a picture to prove it (I’m standing next to the fake lake right before the cliffdiving show).
Who are your heroes?
Glenn Gould, Mark Rothko, Jay DeFeo, and Barbra Streisand’s character in What’s Up, Doc?
What is the greatest line in film history?
“It must be weird…not having anybody cum on you.” —Al Torres, Showgirls.
I’ve heard you have a picture of awkward Jewish girl heaven. Is that true?
Yes! Here it is:
Who is the sexiest man alive?
It’s a three-way tie between Tom Hardy, Javier Bardem, and Robert Downey, Jr., with Kevin McDonald as a close second.
